2/24/2020; a letter to our angel

happy 2nd birthday to our angel babe✨

you are so loved, my dear.

not a day goes by that we don’t think of you.

just because we lost you, doesn’t mean our relationship with you has to end.

one thing i’ve learned since losing you was that it’s okay to honor my grief. it’s okay to feel all the feelings that come with this journey after you.

it took me about 1.5 years to learn & accept that realization. i hid in a shell for a while; not mentioning you, trying to stuff the feelings down, attempting to tell the world “i’m fine.”

i was not fine; i still have days that i’m not fine. these days are hard, draining, dreadful.

i also have days i am fine. these days are filled with acceptance, happin

ess & optimism.

i don’t share my story for sympathy; someone, near or far, may be feeling like they are going through this alone & i want them to know they are not! and i also want you, our baby, to know you are always with us!

i have a ton of “what if” moments that cross my mind. what if you were on earth side? would you have daddy’s curly hair, moms big eyes? would leo & lulu be stealing your toys? would you be running in the yard with the dogs? would we be taking you on your first disney trip for your 2nd birthday?

all my what ifs are valid.

i used to drown myself in those thoughts daily. questioning “how is this my life? how do i have to live without our baby?”

it’s never going to be “fair” that while i suffered losing my baby that others around me had healthy pregnancies. who got to make that choice? because if it was up to me, it wouldn’t have happened this way.

that’s why it’s okay to ponder about my “what ifs.” my grief is real, it’s valid & it comes in waves.

to know your safe in heaven makes me have a fuzzy feeling in my tummy. to know you were welcomed by all of our loved ones we have previous lost makes me both happy & sad.

i can only imagine the way pappy greeted you with open arms, probably saying hello in

his daffy duck voice ready to teach you how to play chinese checkers or marbles. i would give anything to have seen that moment.

and that’s what i hold on to. to know you’re loved by so many earth side & in heaven. you will forever be taken care wherever you are, our baby.

this is the last photo we look with you in my tummy, the last time i felt like a mama, the last time your heart beat below mine.

i will cherish it forever <3

we miss you. we will always love you. we live with you by our side.

"i'll see you in all the butterflies, my angel"

watch over us, your fur siblings & future siblings.

forever our angel, baby b!

xox, mommy & daddy