24feb2020; our angel babes due date that ended in a miscarry.

to our angel babe,

as your estimated due date approaches; the more anxious i get that we were not able to welcome you into this world.

i feel all weird inside, at random times i get these flutters in my belly like i did when i first suspected i was pregnant with you. my friends called me crazy because i had a gut instinct that i was pregnant at around 3 weeks; and i was right :)

now, when i get these butterfly flutters randomly throughout the day, i’ve realized they usually come when i’m heightened with anxiety. i know it’s your way of telling me to “relax mama” and then i sit with a smile and maybe a few tears.

to our baby; first and foremost we love you with every ounce of our being!! this isn’t fair that you didn’t get a chance to live. i know doctors say 1/4 pregnancies end in miscarriage but i cannot help but think “why us?!” especially when i feel like everyone around us is pregnant or just had a baby. it makes me mad yet happy to see these healthy babies. you had Trisomchy 18; which would have caused your organs to be on the outside of your body & most babies with this don’t live past a few months old. mommy and daddy are so proud of how long you did fight in my tummy. i know you did my sweet angel baby.

as we get closer to your expected due date; i cannot help but wonder who you’d be. would you get your mamas thick hair, or big eyes? would you get your daddy’s curls and love for adventure? i guess we will never know and that’s what hurts the most. i should be getting my hospital bag, nesting in our home, picking out your coming home outfit. but instead, i turned the nursery into my office/closet and sometimes i sit in there alone to cry because i feel selfish for doing that.

i’ve taken the last 5 months to grieve, to recover. but to be quite honest; most days i feel like i’ll never recover. your dad tries his hardest to hold me up, to stay positive but i just want to crawl in a dark hole & scream my lungs out!!!!! the heartache is overwhelming, it’s hard, it’s unfair. i keep thinking i’ll never be lucky enough to hold my baby, will i? but your daddy is an angel on earth to remind me that this is all God’s plan; He truly wouldn’t give us anything we couldn’t handle. He is working on our plan; to give us our rainbow baby to hold all to ourselves one day in the future.

but honestly...it’s so hard to be reminded of that. i wanted to share our story to let other mamas know that i get it, i understand, i empathize. one of the hardest parts about this recovery is when i share that we lost you, no one knows what to say to help us cope.

“i’m sorry”

“you didn’t even announce yet so it’s not that hard”

“try again”

“you shouldn’t be talking about this”

“at least you can get pregnant”

these all sound nice in their heard; and most of the time they come from the heart. but to be blunt, they aren’t helpful. they hurt worse.

after losing our baby; we thought we wanted to try again right away. but it’s not that simple. it’s a hard step to even think about trying again; all the anxiety that comes with it. and getting pregnant is not all that easy. and not announcing yet? so what we weren’t sure we were ever going to do a big social media reveal. it was sacred to us and our loved ones.

i’m sharing our story because miscarriage is such a taboo.

but it’s R E A L. and it’s hard. and complicated. and sad. and annoying. and a glimpse of hope for the future tied into all the mess.

i’ve learned to be gentle with myself. with my healing. with my boyfriend. with this process. it’s okay to not be okay. it’s okay to grieve; to cry; to admit when i’m having an anxiety attack; it’s okay to miss you.

but it’s not okay to make my life negative.

i'm 1/4. i’m a survivor. i’m a mama to a sweet angel in heaven.

i will speak positive affirmation into my life; into my future. we will be parents to a rainbow baby. we will be happy. and we will always remember you, love you and feel your presence to guide us. and even though we never got to look into your eyes, to hold you in our arms, to hear you cry, or kiss you sweet face; we still fell in love with you. you touched our souls, you made us cherish the little moments, brought us closer together. as we start this next chapter of our lives without you physically here, just know you’re forever our child, even in heaven.

as your heart only ever beated below mine. ❤️

please watch over mommy, daddy, your fur siblings and your future siblings. we will see you in everything we do. mommy & daddy love you to the moon & back baby B. xox.