"i don't want to be anything other than me.."

me.

who am i?

a question i've thought a lot about the last 5ish years of my life.

i always portrayed myself to the world through a particular lens. i came across as studious, kind, adaptive, strong. i hoped that others always saw me in a positive light.

what i have come to realize is that is not the full truth; that is not me.

while those qualities i do hold in many ways - i am also impatient, fussy, touchy, disconnected.

these are some of the qualities i always knew were there, yet tried to stuff as far down as possible. i used to have the mindset of "why would i ever allow others to see such negative qualities about me then they wont like me."

recently, i rewatched my favorite, go-to show for the 1372310th time: one tree hill.

the theme song is "i don't want to be" by gavin degraw. a song that has been on my playlist year after year. well, i finally resonated with the lyrics.

"I don't want to be

Anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind

I'm tired of looking 'round rooms

Wondering what I've got to do

Or who I'm supposed to be

I don't want to be anything other than me"

i realized i am simply tired of hiding ME. i was hiding from my family, my friends, the world. i crafted an image of myself that was intended on being perfect - when inside i was aching to be seen, to be heard, to be understood for who i really was - but how could that happen if i purposely & carefully constructed a reputation around only part of me?

although i longed for so many years for someone to see through the demise, i would not let my guard down. for anyone. i think it was because i was not comfortable with the other parts of me. i felt ashamed of "her."

those second batch of qualities are a part of who i am. they are apart of my story.

**i am impatient - i get overly excited for things to happen - i skipped through most of my life waiting for the next thing

**i am studious - i love to learn, particularly now about the therapy world

**i am bossy - i like to be heard and i learned that when speaking up about my thoughts/ideas ..people hear me (i am also the oldest child, so lol)

**i am strong - i have been through a lot of things in my life that help me feel resilient

**i am fussy - i can switch moods quickly - i am trying to be more self aware of this

**i am touchy - i can be easily irritated and need time alone often

**i am kind - i usually put others needs before my own

**i am disconnected - as stated earlier, i hid in a shell to portray positively - this makes me have a lack of connection to others sometimes

**i am adaptive - strength has given me the power to adjust well because well..i had no other choice growing up - but see how this world can easily be portrayed as a positive?

i am also so much more.

i am finally content with that.

here's some things that helped me:

be comfortable with being "both/and" instead of "this or that"

• laugh at and with yourself

• don't let anyone else tell you who you are

• surround yourself with those who accept you (don't settle!!!)

• love your beautiful self in full

it has taken a lot of self reflection, therapy and being surrounded by a gentle soul (aka my boyfriend) for me to let my guard down and realize i love ALL parts of me!!!

now truly, i don't want to be anything other than me