world suicide prevention day

#BeThe1To

suicide. the most taboo topic in our society. this is for all the ones we’ve lost, the ones who feel they want to leave, and the ones who’ve overcome.

i’m going to get very real here. and i’m sorry in advance for any of my friends or family reading this who get “offended” that they didn’t know this about me, but this is very common with this topic.

in my 26 years of living, I’ve attempted suicide 3 times. the first time i attempted i was about 13 years old. the second time i was 18. and the third time i was 24. i’ve also had suicidal ideation more often than not. it started when i was 8 years old. at 8 years old, i was suffering from what they call high functioning depression. i was depressed every day of my life but i would wake up and put a smile on my face. no one really knew this about me because i was able to function in society. i’ve battled with depression on and off since then. and still most people around me don’t know this. i suffered, and hardly anyone noticed.

but i’m still alive. and i’m alive because there were people in my life, past and present, who realized the signs of my depression despite my attempts to hide it, to bury it. there are people in my life who worry about me, who care for my well being and truly want to help me through these battles. i’ve struggled and battled through the what feels like a never ending tunnel, & finally at 26 years old, i see and am touching the light that is devoted to hope, possibilities, gratitude, love and LIFE. i am happy and proud of where/who i’ve become. yes, there are waves of depression that i get; during certain anniversaries of events, songs, smells, feelings, etc but i haven't felt suicidal since my last attempt 2 years ago. the moral of my story is that it is possible to get through suicidal ideation even if it seems impossible. i’m in a place where i hope telling my story will help someone else get through theirs to be able to share one day.

it is so important for EVERYONE to be educated on the signs, both the obvious ones and the ones most people hide. it’s important to have open conversations with your children, parents, siblings, extended family, friends, coworkers, etc. this goes beyond a “how was your day” ask about feelings, the specifics, validate the feelings, do not place blame and encourage to seek help. (here’s a good resource for mental illness signs in general: https://www.nami.org/Learn-More/Know-the-Warning-Signs )

there are some coping skills that really helped me get through my hard times. but remember what may help me, may not help everyone as our situations/resources are different. finding what works for you, and sticking to it is extremely important.

1. sleep and exercise. not too much sleep because that can sink you into a deeper hole but being active during the day (taking a walk, sports, working out, etc) followed by making sure i got enough sleep at night to make me feel truly rested.

2. my water intake. i’m very conscious of this, although i can’t lie sometimes i am forgetful, but i try to make sure i drink enough water. this is also great for physical health, which for myself personally i found that my physical health and mental health truly effect one another. if i’m not feeling well, or don’t drink enough water, my body and mind are both exhausted which leads to me feeling more depressed. water intake is truly important and should be taken seriously.

3. having positive signs on my walls around my apartment. mixing my love for decor in with my healing process was helpful for me to have these positive sayings around me to give me reminders daily to keep pushing forward.

4. journaling. expressing my feelings daily is my greatest coping skill. letting it all out there on pen and paper got these thoughts out of my head, where they would just sit and grow bigger. for some reason, when i journal it makes my problems feel smaller than when they are stuck in my head for me to overthink.

5. i use deep breathing A LOT. almost 10-15x a day i’m doing different deep breathing exercise. most of the time no one around me even notices. i use belly breathing, firework breathing, and the 4-7-8 exercise.

6. therapy. i’ve been in and out of therapy since i was 8 years old and i’ve never been ashamed of that. i love therapy so much that i became a therapist! but for real, having someone to talk to who is neutral, non-blaming and truly is there for YOU is helpful. therapy has helped me focus on the solutions, rather than the negatives. with therapy, i also had a crisis plan to follow in case i did feel suicidal. the plan reminded me of all these coping skills i had in place to help me out in the moment.

to anyone who’s feeling suicidal..i see you, i hear you, i understand you. i know how tired you are, how the demons make you feel like you have no more fight left in you. i know how exhausting it is to keep hiding your pain, forcing a smile on your face, ignoring the demons telling you to leave and being numb to everything. but i’m asking you to fight, to stay alive. eventually, you will reach a tomorrow that is filled with all the hope you thought you lost, it will be filled with joy, and all the possibilities you’ve been longing for. i know those demons, the numbness, the exhaustion can be overwhelming. i can’t promise there won’t be hard times, because those come to us all. but always remember you’re not where you used to be, you’ve grown, you’ve evolved and you've fought through to make it here. be proud of yourself. every battle, big or small, is worth smiling about, and is worth celebrating.

national suicide prevention lifeline: 1-800-273-8255 or call 911